One minute in the Schmoedown I can feel invincible. Then next, a complete idiot who remembers I’m not an actress or a host or a functional public speaker and that can be tough. When you’re surrounded by so many talented people, sometimes you feel like maybe you’re SUPPOSED to be among them and then things happen to make you feel totally out of your depth. It’s no ones fault, everyone is kind, encouraging and supportive, but in something like the Schmoedown it’s hard not to get in your head about the character part of it all.
I grew up an incredibly shy person. I remember as a kid in church, I’d pretend I was asleep just so I wouldn’t have to go up to the front for kids story time. I would get ‘sick’ to put off class speeches. When I finally got enough courage to sing in front of the school at an event, I kept my eyes closed the entire time. But as I got older and allowed myself to get comfortable around people, I developed my sense of humor and a clearer way of putting my personality out there. I still never felt wholly confident in myself but around people who knew me, I could find my voice.
Social Media also gave me a platform to unleash my ridiculous way of thinking onto the world and become more okay with expressing myself however I saw fit. Then I become a competitor, and now I’m the Machine and I have to talk smack and I have to do scenes and cut promos and I immediately turned back into that shy person. But with Jay there to guide me and remembering this voice I always had but was fearful to use, I found myself getting more confident and speaking up more. Being funny and just having fun. Not worrying about how I sound or looking foolish. I surprisingly started to have these moments of feeling incredibly at ease and cool and kind of powerful.
Then there are days where I’m overthinking what I want to say, or my mind goes blank. I see everyone around me killing it and then put that pressure on myself. For a moment I let myself get overwhelmed and forget why I do this. I’m not going to be perfect every time. I’m not gonna become this eloquent speaker. But the goal is to always just try to keep getting better and try to have fun. Which sometimes is the easiest thing and others, a real challenge for me.
I wanna make it a great show, if I can, always for the fans and not let down all the people who support me and who have given me this opportunity. I’m never gonna be a “golden mic” or an “urban gladiator” in front of the camera, nor should I try to be. It’s a tough thing to feel like you have to keep up with so many talented people. But for me, it’s gotta just be about being me and remembering that someone saw something in me or I wouldn’t even be here. Regardless of the good and bad days of getting in front of that camera, the Schmoedown has given me far more confidence than I ever felt was possible for a shy silly girl from Fresno.